Total Drama Contestants on Crack
by UltimateWarriorFan4Ever
Summary: What happens when Chris, Chef and Blaineley take your favorite Total Drama contestants as test subjects and give them drugs just for amusement? How will they react from all of this? Believe me, you'll never be the same again after seeing this. Perhaps the most randomnest, most craziest idea I've came up with. Rated M for a reason. Chapter 9: Lindsay
1. Chapter 1: Duncan

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 1: Introduction / Duncan**_

* * *

There were a couple of scientists who were busy watching and analyzing through a two way mirror. From there, they were busy taking notes at the unknown figure who wasn't doing anything of the sort, other than sitting down on his ass figuring out where the hell he was. One of the scientists, who was Chris McLean by the way, walked in on both Chef Hatchet and Blaineley, who were also scientists as well. They were taking a look at their first test subject.

"How's our patient doing, Chef?" Chris smirked.

"He's naked and fried out of his mind, Chris." Chef muttered.

From Chris and Chef's POV, they saw a naked Duncan sitting on a chair and looking at all the surroundings. The room Duncan was in had nothing but protective padding, like if he was locked in nothing but solitary confinement.

"This feels like a comfy room," Duncan smiled eerily, "It's almost like living in a large pillow."

Duncan's words suddenly got to Blaineley's brain, which forced her to write every one of his thoughts on a notepad.

_"Like... living on a large... pillow."_ Blaineley said, following the delinquent's words clearly.

"How on earth did Duncan react to the crack we gave him?" Chris raised an eyebrow.

Chef paused for a bit, "So far, that lazy fuck's been sitting around on his ass looking around the ceiling and smiling like a damn pedo."

"It was the same smile he had when he humped that chair." Blaineley said.

"So he's imagining that he's having sex with hardware?" Chris replied, "Sounds a lot less painful than having sex with plants. By then, he'd have splinters all around his cock now."

Suddenly, Duncan's naked self fell off the chair in laughter. From there, he started looking at the lights.

"Ohhhh, look at all the pretty fairies!" Duncan chuckled, "They look so shiny-whiny! Hehehehehe!"

Like a turtle, Duncan started flopping around his arms, trying to grab the lights. But he couldn't, since he was a mile away from the top ceiling.

"Come to me, fairies!" Duncan exclaimed, trying to grab the air, "You shall be perfect for my cute fairy army! Kneel before Duncan!"

The naked green-haired delinquent was now wobbling around like a turtle. From there, he was aroused by the rays of lights as if it gave him some sort of erection. It was like Duncan was trying to have sex with the heat, but could easily fail miserably.

"Now he's imagining having sex with the air," Blaineley muttered, "I think I've seen enough."

"Check him off the list, Blaineley." Chris replied.

The hot attractive blonde then crossed Duncan's name off the list of latest test subjects. Talk about a day at the races.

"Okay, now that were done with that, let's score some more crack." Chris suggested.

"I'm driving naked this time, fool!" Chef exclaimed.

While both Chris, Chef and Blaineley left their private chambers, Duncan was left all by himself, feeling naked, alone, and drugged. And practically, that was for the best.

* * *

**This is perhaps the most hilarious idea I've ever thought. I mean, giving crack to every contestant there is, just to see how they would react? I don't know if hallucinations are the side-effects of crack, and quite frankly, if I happened to do it myself, I wouldn't want to know. Smoking is bad, mmm'kay?**

**Anyway, which character do you want see next chapter? Let me know! ^_^**


	2. Chapter 2: Heather

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 2: Heather  
**_

* * *

"Okay, noobs," Chris chuckled as he entered the room, "Any news on our next patient?"

"You mean mouthy girl?" Chef chuckled, "She's in good hands."

"Oh, I can't wait for this." Chris smirked.

Through the two-way mirror, Chris, Chef and Blaineley saw Queen Bee Heather playing with two sock puppets. One looked like Alejandro and the one looked like Justin. Heather was talking to both of them simultaneously.

"Mi amor," Heather said to herself with the Alejandro sock puppet, "Your eyes are like a cloud: Soft, gray and beautiful."

And then, Heather turned to the Justin sock puppet.

"You got a nice ass," Heather said to herself, "Wanna find a room?"

Then, Heather went back to the Al puppet.

"How dare you say that!" Sock Puppet Alejandro said to Sock Puppet Justin, "Only I can talk about her beautiful ass!"

Sock Puppet Justin then replied, "That's because you're used to kissing it!"

"WHY YOU-!"

Suddenly, Heather forced Sock Puppet Alejandro to attack Sock Puppet Justin, making gnawing and punching sounds. From there, Blaineley started writing down notes.

"Heather thinks that two guys are fighting over her," Blaineley commented, "I don't blame her for that though. Most men fight over me all the time."

"You ever have sock puppets fighting over you?" Chris raised an eyebrow.

"Only if they're on crack." Blaineley sighed.

"Sock puppets fight over me a lot," Chef replied, "After all, I am attractive."

Back at the padded room, Heather was forced to break up the fight between Sock Puppet Alejandro and Sock Puppet Justin.

"Guys, guys," Heather said to both puppets, "There's no need to fight. I choose both of you. After all, both of you are hot, sexy and gorgeous."

"Where are you getting at, mi amor?" Sock Puppet Al replied.

"Both of you should have me," Heather exclaimed, "Two for the price of one!"

"That's so true!" The two sock puppets said.

And then, she forced the two incredibly hot sock puppets to kiss her all around her pouty lips and cheek. The feeling felt so good to the Queen Bee herself, chuckling around those sweet tender kisses.

"Ooooh, stop..." She giggled, "That really tickles."

Yet, it quickly grew boring for Heather fast enough. That's why she had an idea.

"Wait a minute," Heather replied, "Let's find a room!"

"Why get a room when we can do it here?" Sock Puppet Justin suggested to her.

"Yeah, what he said!" Sock Puppet Al nodded.

"Now you're both speaking my language!" The Queen Bee exclaimed.

As Blaineley noticed Heather clothes being ripped out by two useless, yet hunky sock puppets, she decided that she saw way enough of her.

"Well, I can see this is gonna creep me out," Blaineley groaned, "I'm going to the bar. Chris, you coming?"

"Only if I'm driving," Chris muttered while grabbing his car keys, "What about you, Chef."

"You can go, I'm gonna enjoy some nice sock porn." Chef smirked, already zipping down his pants.

"Suit yourself..." Chris sighed as he and Blaineley shut the door behind them, leaving Chef to masturbate to the sight of Heather and two sock puppets getting it on.

* * *

**Well, I'm at a lost for words on this one. Heather and two sock puppets in a threesome I might not wanna watch at all.**

**What character do you wanna see me do next chapter? You know what to do! Later!**


	3. Chapter 3: Harold

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 3: Harold  
**_

* * *

"Okay, I'm feeling good about this..." Chris chuckled while rubbing his hands.

"Where were ya?" Blaineley replied.

"I was busy masturbating to pictures of Courtney." Chris admitted to her.

"I'm only hoping you washed your hands after this..." Chef muttered.

"I'm a host," Chris replied, "I don't wash hands after I masturbate."

Chef rolled his eyes and cringed after hearing this, "Fair enough..."

Both Chris, Chef and Blaineley saw their latest subject through a two-way mirror, which happened to be the uber-nerd, Harold. Apparently, the only thing Harold was doing was squatting for no reason.

"I like sitting in chairs, GOSH!" Harold admitted, "I don't know why, but I just love the feeling of a sore ass!"

"Ohh-kay," Blaineley said while writing on the notepad, "Harold thinks he's sitting in chairs and he loves having a sore ass. That's a bit boring."

"Sore ass?" Chris raised an eyebrow, "That's like the same feeling when it comes to rape."

"The only difference is, it gets a lot worse." Chef shook his head.

"Not me, I raped Blaineley an hour ago. She seemed to like it." Chris chuckled.

"You're a sick bastard, McLean..." Chef muttered.

After pretending to sit on chairs, Harold felt his stomach rumble.

"Oh man, time for an anal evacuation!" Harold exclaimed.

Suddenly, there was a chair right behind Harold. The nerd squinted his eyes, imagining the entire wooden chair as a portable toilet.

"Righteous! I found a toilet!" The nerd exclaimed.

In total panic, Harold rushed over to it and pulled his pants down. Blaineley, Chris and Chef were shocked at what was going on now. There was no way they were watching Harold take a heaping dump all over the chair like this.

_"PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!"_ Harold went.

On second thought, it was too late anyway.

"Okay, I've seen enough," Blaineley cringed in disgust, "I'm outta here."

"Me too, I'm gonna go back and masturbate," Chris groaned, "Chef, you coming?"

"I'll grab the lube..." Chef muttered.

As the trio left, Harold took in a sigh, leaving one total skidmark around the wooden chair.

"Ahhhh, that's the ticket." Harold smiled to himself, "Now time to flush!"

Suddenly, Harold started flapping his hand, pretending he was flushing the toilet. But all he was doing was pulling his hand up and down. Somehow, this agitated Harold to the core. He flapped his hand up and down again, but suddenly, there was not one sound of flushing to be heard.

"Hey, this toilet doesn't work!" Harold shouted.

Somehow, Chef's voice was heard screaming from far away.

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE TAKING A SHIT ON A CHAIR, FOOL!" He yelled back.

"Huh," Harold chuckled to himself, "That's way better than a toilet! GOSH!"

* * *

**Okay, even though it was a bit disgusting because of the 'crap' part, that's what drugs do to you. I'm not sure if the chapter makes sense, but what do I know? It's what you can expect on "Total Drama Contestants on Crack".  
**

**Anyway, which character do you wanna see next? Leave me a comment! ^_^  
**


	4. Chapter 4: Courtney

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 4: Courtney  
**_

* * *

Chef and Blaineley were busy testing their latest subject through a two way mirror when Chris entered the fray.

"Okay," Chris replied, "Whoever replaced the petroleum jelly on my peanut butter sandwich, I thank you. The sandwich tastes great."

"I would thank you," Blaineley retorted, "But my hands are full here with this clipboard."

"I see," Chris spoke out again, "Who's up on the hit list?"

"We're doing Courtney today." Chef replied.

"Good, can I join in?" Chris smirked while zipping his pants down.

"That's not what I meant from _that_, Chris." Chef muttered.

"Oh, fuckballs..." Chris muttered as well, zipping his pants back up.

Through the mirror though, they saw Courtney having some sort of staring contest with a pile of salt. Courtney's eyes looked a little bloodshot to say the least. The trio didn't know if Courtney was either high or drunk, but she was messed up.

"You know you can't beat me and my stare," Courtney said to the salt, "I'm watching you like a hawk!"

Explaining Courtney's behavior, Blaineley wrote her thoughts on the clipboard yet again.

"She's been having a staring contest with a pile of sodium salt," Blaineley sighed, "And it's been going long for five hours straight."

"Five hours?!" Chris said with bulging eyes, "God, that's almost like the length of a Lord Of The Rings movie!"

"I know. I've been sucking Chef's big black cock half the time we've been in this room!" Blaineley exclaimed.

"How come you don't wanna suck me, Blaineley?" Chris sighed.

"I'd suck you," She admitted, "But your dick stretches out from the doorway and throughout this entire room."

"Yeah, it must be the several penis enhancements I've been taking..." Chris smirked to himself.

_***Two hours later***_

Courtney's eyes were now turning blood red. She hasn't yet blinked for a good two hours.

"You're not gonna make me go to sleep," Courtney said to the pile of salt again, "You'll have to kill me in cold blood to win..."

Apparently, this staring contest was going nowhere for the trio. Maybe it was better to call it a day.

"Okay, I'm bored shitless now," Chris sighed, "Time to close up."

"UGH, FINALLY!" Blaineley said, rolling her eyes in relief.

"Chef, you coming?" Chris replied to his friend.

Unfortunately, Chef was still too attached to the staring contest between a high-as-fuck Courtney and salt. The pressure was getting to him so tensely, that he couldn't even listen to either Chris or Blaineley for the moment.

"Might as well leave him alone," Blaineley suggested, "Odds are he's gonna need Clear Eyes after this one."

"Agreed." Chris nodded, before he and Blaineley left the room.

Meanwhile, Courtney and the pile of salt still continued their staring contest. Suddenly, a grain of salt fell down the hill. Seeing this, Courtney stood up in victory!

"A-HA! I WIN!" Courtney shouted, "I KNEW I'D BEAT THIS SALTY PIECE OF SODIUM TURD! I AM THE QUEEN OF STARING CONTESTS! AND ANYONE WHO DARES TO CHALLENGE ME CAN SUCK MY CLIT!"

However, Courtney experienced a problem with her eyes. For some reason, she couldn't seem to blink one bit. No matter how hard she tried to close her eyes, she couldn't. It was frozen like a block of ice itself. Realizing this, she spoke out for help:

"Somebody take me to a hospital right now..."

* * *

**Courtney having a staring contest with a condiment? Well, that makes sense to me.**

**Anyway, don't forget to leave me comments on who you want to see next chapter!** **C-Ya!**


	5. Chapter 5: Gwen

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 5: Gwen  
**_

* * *

Chris and Blaineley were busy testing their new subject while drinking their cup of Maxwell Roast. Indicating by the bathrobes they're wearing, they must've had one wild night.

"Well, you were good last night, babe." Chris said, kissing her in the cheek.

"I could've said the same thing, except you blew me off a minute before orgasm to smoke some weed." Blaineley said in a bland expression.

"Yeah, I admit that was awesome." Chris chuckled.

Meanwhile, Chef came in and looked through the two-way mirror.

"Anything up with Grim, today?" Chef replied.

"I'm pretty sure Gwen is getting used to the furniture." Chris smirked.

Through the two-way mirror was Gwen, who was trying her best to eat a table with a fork and knife. She was trying hard to cut through the wood with a butter knife.

"Urrrgh," Gwen groaned in anger, "What the hell's wrong with this steak? It's as tough as a fucking cinder block!"

However, Blaineley wrote all of Gwen's actions on a post it note. Apparently, she couldn't find her clipboard.

"Okay, Gwen thinks she's eating a steak, when in reality, she's eating part of the table." Blaineley said to Chris.

"I know what I like to eat..." Chris smirked.

"Yeah, keep your perverted thoughts to yourself." Chef replied.

"It's actually pussy, just so you know." Chris smirked yet again.

Gwen wasnt getting anywhere cutting the wood with a butter knife. The goth girl realized she was missing something.

"Ugh, I need a hammer..." she groaned.

From there, Gwen found a hammer lying around out of nowhere. Using her strength, she sent the hammer flying down on hard wood, breaking everything in pieces. The goth girl had totally gone apecrap crazy with the flying piece of titanium.

After she threw the hammer away, Gwen picked up a piece of wood and started gnawing on it.

"Aggggh, this fuckin' steak sucks!" Gwen cried out.

After throwing the wood down in disgust, she sat in her chair with her arms crossed in anger.

"Somebody get me a waiter so I can get a _real_ steak, please?" Gwen shouted.

After writing down Gwen's thoughts and actions, the trio decided to close up shop.

"Well, looks like we can cross Gwen off the list of test subjects," Blaineley muttered, "Anyone up for Karaoke?"

"Oooh, Chef loves Karaoke." Chef smirked.

"You guys go on without me," Chris replied, "I'm gonna go masturbate."

"Clean up when you're done." Blaineley said, about to leave for the door.

"No, I won't." Chris smirked evilly.

After Chef and Blaineley closed the door behind him, Chris looked at Gwen and zipped down his pants, yanking his little man for excitement.

Meanwhile, Gwen was still sitting on the chair with her arms still crossed. Already losing her patience, she started screaming.

"RAAAAH, WHERE'S THAT FUCKIN' WAITER WITH THAT FUCKIN' STEAK, ALREADY?! I'M STARVING!"

* * *

**Believe me, Gwen's not gonna get her steak. I don't know why, but I always love the interactions between Chris, Chef and Blaineley. You'll never know what they'll say next.  
**

**Who you want to see me do next chapter!** **Let me know! Until then, cheers!  
**


	6. Chapter 6: Geoff

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 6: Geoff  
**_

* * *

Chef was writing down on a clipboard, while Chris and Blaineley came back to the room that contained the two-way mirror. The lovebirds' clothes were messed up from front to toe, alongside their hair.

"Thanks for the rape session." Blaineley said to Chris.

"It would've been nicer if you actually let your panties off..." Chris smirked.

"Yeah, I don't try well at taking it hard," Blaineley smirked back before looking at Chef, "Any progress with our latest test subject?"

"Oh, he's kept himself busy..." Chef chuckled.

Through the two-way mirror, showed Geoff getting romantic and tender with what seemed to be a turkey club. Of course, it was weird having to kiss two pieces of baked yeast covering between slices of turkey, tomato and pickles, especially when you're Geoff himself.

"Oh, Bridge," Geoff whispered to the sandwich, "Your lips are so doughy. I don't know why you smell so meaty, but I just can't stop!"

What Geoff said to the meaty subject creeped Hatchet off. So the tough burly Chef wrote what Geoff was saying on Blaineley's clipboard.

"Okay, so he's pretending that Bridgette's a sandwich and he's getting all gooey about it," Chef muttered, "That's sick."

"You wanna hear something sick?" Chris chuckled, "I actually put ecstacy on his sandwich. He's gonna get freaky naughty in a couple of minutes!"

"You sick bastard." Blaineley said, blushing and being turned-on by his sick ways.

"It's just the way that I am, babe!" Chris exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Geoff started eating and licking the sandwich, pretending to french kiss Bridgette.

"Ahhhh, babe..." Geoff moaned, "Your pickle breath never tasted so good. And so is your tomato-scented tongue. It feels so tasty around my teeth!"

The little make-out session turned into something else when Geoff decided to undress himself all over. Knowing where this was going, the trio decided to end things they would normally do: Leave while they still can.

"Now he's gonna get it on with a sandwich," Chef muttered, "Okay, I've seen enough of him."

"Me too," Chris nodded, "Anybody wanna score some blow?"

"I'm buying." Blaineley said, getting out of his seat.

"Me too." Chef nodded as well.

As Chris, Chef and Blaineley both left the room with their tails between their backs, a naked Geoff ended up jamming his dick across the sandwich, humping it to holy hell.

"Oh, baby..." Geoff moaned, "You feel so cold and moist! I don't care if you're like that, I still love humping that meaty ass!"

* * *

**Okay, Geoff having sex with a sandwich? Geez, now I know how Jason Biggs feels when it comes to apple pies. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch "American Pie".**

**Who else do you wanna see me do next? Just take a guess and leave me feedback! C-ya!**


	7. Chapter 7: Eva

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 7: Eva  
**_

* * *

Chris, Chef and Blaineley were sitting down in their chairs, taking a latest look at their test subject. However, Chris came naked and so did Blaineley. Chef on the other hand was the only member still wearing clothes.

"So Chef, how come you didn't wanna go nude?" Chris smirked.

"How come you did?!" Chef replied.

"I don't know, I just love seeing my penis like this." The host replied.

"Makes sense to me," Chef muttered, "How's our test subject going along?"

"I don't know," Blaineley said, writing on a clipboard, "I'm not sure if I should be jealous or creeped out."

Through the two-way mirror, a naked Eva was bending over on all fours while she sent a piece of wood straight into her vagina, pushing in and out. Apparently, Eva had imagined that she was having sex with a complete stranger, basically Noah.

"Is that the best that you've got...?" Eva moaned a little, "Send your fuckin' measuring stick deeper into me!"

"Okay, Eva just named Noah's penis..." Blaineley muttered, "That's a surprise."

"You wanna know a surprise?" Chris reminded the duo.

"Let me guess," Chef muttered, "You put ecstacy in Eva's drugs?"

Suddenly, Chris responded by gasping.

"Have you been spying on me?" The host replied.

"Dude, you spy on me all the time when I masturbate!" Chef exclaimed.

"Only because I wanna see what a black guy's cum looked like!" Chris cried out.

_"Great, now I'm hungry..."_ Blaineley thought to herself.

Meanwhile, Eva sent the plank penetrating her hard and tight. The muscular she-hulk took in a very comforting blush as she felt eight inches of hard wood throb against her tight sugar walls.

"Oh, yeah..." Eva moaned again, "I think I'm... I THINK I'M..."

"C'Mon baby..." Chris said, rubbing his hands hoping that Eva would climax.

But unfortunately, a timer sounded through the room that the trio was in.

"Well, time's up!" Chef exclaimed.

"Wait, what?!" Chris's eyes bulged tightly.

"Yep, that's all the time we have for Eva," Chef reminded him, "Of course, there's always tomorrow!"

"That's not fair," Chris whined like a little bitch, "I wanna see the climax! And when in the fuck did we get a timer?!"

"When in the fuck did you get to be so needy?!" Chef said, blowing up in his face.

After Chef's departure, Chris looked to a naked Blaineley, who was getting out of her seat.

"You wanna fuck?" Chris smirked.

"Sorry, can't do it." Blaineley replied, "It's naked hot dog night at the movies. I'm going after the biggest wiener I could find!"

"Can I go?" The host replied.

"Only if you're driving me." Blaineley winked at him.

"ALL RIGHT, I LOVE GUY WIENERS!" Chris shouted out in victory as he grabbed the keys and shut the door behind him.

Through the two-way mirror however, Eva had passed out and looked incredibly flushed, getting her love juices all over the wooden stake.

"Wow, that was so amazing..." Eva said, looking dazed and satisfied.

However, Eva felt something twinge and cringe from her groin. As if something stung her from the pussy region. She felt a painful hiss coming from her.

"Why do I get a feeling I have fuckin' splinters on my vagina?!" Eva said to herself.

* * *

**Looks like Chris went at it with the ecstacy again. You'll never know what Chris has up in his sleeve next.  
**

**Anyway, who do you wanna see next! Just let me know! Later!**


	8. Chapter 8: Justin

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 8: Justin  
**_

* * *

Chris and Blaineley were in the room, testing their latest test subject. Chef on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen since he was on house arrest for feeding a 16-year old meth.

"I miss Chef..." Chris sighed.

"I know how you feel," Blaineley nodded, "Apparently, trying to feed a minor drugs is illegal in this country."

"Good thing the feds can't find us," Chris nodded as well, "So how's the patient coming along?"

"He's coming along just fine." She smirked.

Through the two-way mirror, a coked-up Justin was sitting in a table with a blow-up doll, which had Heather's face taped to it. Truth be told, Justin imagined he was on a date.

"What do you need to know about me, you ask?" Justin replied, "Well, I'm a male model and I have abs so shiny, it'll melt your face off. Truth is, a lot of terrorists died that way. Yep, my body's a human weapon of mass destruction. So Heather, what about you? Sorry about you and Alejandro breaking up. How are you feeling?"

The blowup doll failed to reply one bit. Apparently, it decided to go into silent mode.

"You know, you can talk to me if you want," Justin suggested, "You don't have to give me the silent treatment, you know."

Noticing Justin's actions, Blaineley wrote the whole thing on her trusty clipboard again.

"Okay, Justin thinks he's on a date with Heather, when he's actually talking to a blow-up doll," Blaineley commented, "That's weird if I seen one."

"No kidding," Chris smirked, "I've dated way worse than a blow-up doll."

"You kidding me?" Blaineley raised her eyebrow.

"I kid you not, babe." Chris shrugged, "I've dated five two's and I fucked a one. And you know the motto, 'You gotta get drunk to fuck a one'."

"I actually got fucked by ten 1's once," Blaineley admitted, "And not to mention, I was high."

"Wow, we really do have a lot in common." Chris said, feeling impressed by that fact.

Meanwhile, Justin was starting to lose his patience with the Heather blow-up doll.

"Look, I can't understand how you won't talk to me." Justin replied, "Plainly enough, I can't understand why you like Alejandro in the first place. Is it because he's more handsomer than me, smarter than me, and he's got the biggest cock of them all? Well, not also am I more hotter and smarter than him, but I have a cock so big, it's gonna blow your eyes out of your own sockets! I'll show you, only if you agree to talk!"

Once again, the blow-up doll refused to say a word. Meanwhile, the timer sounded off, reaching the full limit for today's test subject.

"Well, that's all I needed to see." Blaineley replied.

"Yep, wanna fuck?" Chris smirked.

"I would, but I'm on my period." She told him truthfully.

"But we can still fuck, right?" The host raised an eyebrow.

"Only if you want blood all over your cock." Blaineley smirked.

But then, Chris instantly changed his mind.

"Ahh, fuck it," Chris scoffed, "I'm gonna see Justin lose it instead."

"Yeah, I thought so." Blaineley smirked.

As the hot smokin' blonde left the room, Chris sat back in his chair and watched Justin snap at the blow-up doll.

"You know what, leave!" Justin exclaimed, "Who needs your silent bitch-ass anyway? There are other ladies around here who'll take a gaze at my little Justin anyway if they asked! I'm pretty sure you're a mute lesbian from the way I see it. Do me a favor and take your deaf ass outta here, okay?"

Suddenly, the blow-up doll blew right away and out of the padded cell like a ghost. Okay, that hardly happened for someone who was 100% plastic.

"Okay, ladies..." Justin said, looking right around at the air, "Justin is single and ready to mingle. So come over here and gaze at my hotness!"

However, all Justin heard was a cricket sounding in the background. Of course, there were no other girls around, considering it was just him and the padded ceiling. Disappointed, Justin crossed out his arms and sat on the chair, looking frustrated.

"Man, being single sucks..." The male model snarled.

* * *

**I know this lacked a little bit humor, but I hope Chris and Blaineley's commentary was more than enough. However, the image of Justin dating a blow-up doll in Heather's likeliness was more than enough to be funny.  
**

**I can't see Justin cuss for the fun of it, but it could be actually amusing to see.**

**All right, who do you wanna see in the next chapter! You know what to do, playas.  
**


	9. Chapter 9: Lindsay

**"Total Drama Contestants on Crack"**

**Rated M for craziness  
**

**Disclaimer: I apparently do not own anything associated with Total Drama or any of its characters. The show is owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I figured I'd do something fun and random here, so here's my hilarious yet crazy one-shots.**

* * *

_**Chapter 9: Lindsay  
**_

* * *

Chris and Chef were in the secret room all by themselves, watching the latest test subject. Blaineley, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen.

"I miss Blaineley, dude," Chris sighed, "I wish he was here to see this."

"Um, Chris..." Chef added, "Blaineley's actually a _she_."

"Don't tell me who to mistake, dude." Chris replied back, "Anyway, Blaineley's missing this..."

Through the two-way mirror was a topless Lindsay, who was mushing her breasts together through glass, very similar to a scene from "Midnight Express". She never knew how fun she was having.

"I love how good this glass feels!" Lindsay exclaimed, "Tucker's hands feels less plastic like this!"

However, realizing that Blaineley was nowhere to be seen, Chris looked back to Chef.

"Um, Chef... weren't we supposed to do something?" Chris raised an eyebrow.

"Why the hell do I know?" Chef shrugged, "I don't have a clipboard."

"We were supposed to write something on a clipboard." Chris reminded him.

"Like I said, I don't have it." Chef smirked, "I did draw boobs on a napkin once. I got banned from the neighborhood diner for life."

"You wanna hear something worse than that?" Chris replied, "I accidentally flashed some kids at Chuck E. Cheese."

"You're a sick host." The big burly man smirked.

Meanwhile, Lindsay, whose breasts was still smushed against the glass, started licking the window.

"Mmmmmm, this tastes like lemon!" Lindsay exclaimed again, "It's a shame Tanner doesn't like lemon. Every time I taste him, he feels like garlic!"

As much fun they were having seeing Lindsay lick glass, the timer ran out on them.

"Aw, man." Chris whined, "Time's out."

"Eh, I don't care." Chef smirked, "I'm too busy having fun."

"Yeah, screw the timer, I wanna see some more funbags!" The host said, dissing the timer altogether.

However, Lindsay started swaying back and forth, which forced her massive breasts to press through the glass repeatedly. In the process, the ditzy blonde also started to make noises, mostly imitating a slide whistle.

"Woooooooooo," Lindsay said, "Woooooo-OOOOOOOO!"

"I so love this job..." Chris smirked.

"Damn right." Chef smirked as well, ending his day with a high-five from his partner.

* * *

**Well, now that we've done Lindsay, who else do you wanna see next chapter? Don't forget to leave feedback! ^_^  
**


End file.
